And now a few minutes with Andy Looney

2008-11-03T04:56:00.000-08:00

Hi folks,

It is my sad duty to report that Andy passed away Friday night in hospital. Thank you all for your kind words about my father.

A few years ago, he gave me his book of logarithms with the inscription "In case electricity is the fraud I suspect it to be." Although deeply suspicious of technology, checking your blogs on a daily basis was one of his favourite pastimes and main sources of news and opinion. He remained a subscriber to the Toronto Star, according to him, only for the death notices and the Jumble.

Well, Andy liked to keep these entries short and sweet (probably a function of his hunt-and-peck typing style), but I'd like to thank all of you again for your thoughts and prayers, and for keeping Andy amused for all these years.

2008-10-19T16:58:00.000-07:00

Hi folks,

This is Andy's son. I have access to Andy's account because he leaves his passwords written on sticky notes beside the computer. I'm watching 60 minutes right now and it reminded me of my father's blog.

Unfortunately, Andy fell ill a couple of weeks ago. I'm sure it became clear to you that something was wrong when Andy failed to opine on the recent federal election.

Andy is on life support in a Toronto-area hospital. We received the good news today that his condition has improved somewhat. However, the doctor still described his prognosis as "horrible."

I'll try to update this page whenever anything changes, one way or the other.

2008-10-03T18:28:00.000-07:00

Let's see.....

People in every neighbourhood in which Old Joe Biden has lived in his 36 years of droning away in the Senate are suffering.

BUT

THAT will all change if he becomes Vice President and they will all find true happiness.

I mean the poor old bugger has only had 36 years.....give the guy a chance.

If Sarah Palin becomes President it wouldn't take much for her to better the job done by the three previous BOZOS.

2008-10-02T18:54:00.000-07:00

I was able to stand only 45 minutes of the debate but I'm sure the asshole of the night award will go to Jack(the crack)Layton for his "under the sweater" remark.

Fortunately no one paid any attention to it just as no one pays any attention to anything the mean-spirited little turd says.

2008-10-01T17:43:00.000-07:00

I didn't see Omar on the Global News from Yarmouth.

I may have missed him, though.

I'm still hopeful.

I haven't yet examined the tape frame by frame.

2008-09-30T07:31:00.000-07:00

Well today's the big day.

Global news comes to Yarmouth and Omar will be front and centre.

Tune in at 5:30 Eastern.

2008-09-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

I see Jack Layton is giving Canada eighteen billion dollars.

The boy has come a long way since he and his wife were living in subsidized housing.

2008-09-24T12:03:00.000-07:00

Now Duceppe is worried that jailing 14-year-olds will be "serving young flesh" to imprisoned pedophiles.

Maybe Duceppe has more on his mind than just the drubbing he is going to get in Quebec.

2008-09-23T12:05:00.000-07:00

I'm getting sick of the term "gunman".

Anything wrong with "little shit in possession of a gun"?

2008-09-22T13:20:00.000-07:00

So Harper wants to get tough with little shits 14 to 18 who murder and rape.

No wonder Da Liddle Guy used to say.....
You know.....dat Teeven Arper.....ee scare me.

2008-09-17T14:07:00.000-07:00

Smirk Holland did my street while I was out today.

He left me a leaflet saying Sorry I missed you.

Well I'm sorry too, Smirk. I wanted to tell you that the last time I voted Liberal was six years before you were born and that was only because it was a contest between the Liberal and the NDP's odious candidate.

This election is going to be the best ten bucks of my tax money that was ever wasted.

2008-09-12T07:21:00.000-07:00

I see Dangerous Dan McTeague has once again saved us from high gas prices.

They could have used such a guru back in Roman times when people feared they wouldn't be able to run their chariots because of the high price of oats.

2008-09-11T11:41:00.000-07:00

I know I wrote this during the last election but I'm tired of hearing how these shindigs are a waste of money.
They cost about ten bucks per Canadian. These 38 days provide far more entertainment and cost you about the same as going to some crappy movie and being mildly amused for a couple of hours and trying to leave with your feet stuck to the floor.
Of course the last movie I went to was High Noon. Now that was worth my ten cents.

2008-09-06T13:36:00.000-07:00

HOT NEWS FLASH !!!!!
Bob Rae thinks the Liberals have a good chance of success in the upcoming election.
Whodathunk it?
He describes Dion as a "very tough cookie".
Any tough cookies I've experienced were stale.

2008-08-20T11:38:00.000-07:00

I got a Smirk Hotpants Update in today's mail. All about his five days aboard the HMCS Winnipeg (since he's planning to be named Admiral of the Canadian Fleet when the Libs return to power).
One of the photos of Smirk is entitled "a tight fit in the bowels of the ship"

I'd hate to have a big turd like Mark Holland lodged in my bowels.

2008-08-14T12:05:00.000-07:00

Today being MP Appreciation Day, I would like to give thanks for the two wonderful members who represent us here in the Great City of Deadwood: Dangerous Dan Guru (the man who saved us from high gasoline prices), and Smirk Hotpants (keeping our mailboxes free from pollution).
Thank you Dan and Smirk.

2008-08-06T12:17:00.000-07:00

Why do I bother?

Today's phone call.....I'll let you imagine the accent and the teeth.....

Hello may I speak to Mister Looney Andy?
My name's Andy Looney.
Hello Mister Looney Andy I'm calling from Yak Communications.
My first name is Andy. Don't you know how first names and last names work?
But it says right here Mister Looney Andy.
That's how they organize the phone book.
I will call you back later Mister Looney Andy.

I can hardly wait.

The Yak is right but the Communications is certainly a misnomer.

2008-07-15T10:29:00.000-07:00

Here it is July 15 and.....Great Scott! I missed the glorious 12th this year!

So did a lot of Orangemen, I imagine, most of them being dead.

I'll repeat my little witicism from previous years;

A fellow gets off a train and two men approach him and ask if he could spare five dollars to bury an Orangeman.

And he says.....Here's ten dollars. Bury two of them.

2008-07-11T10:29:00.000-07:00

Well here it is July 11 and my first morning glories have appeared.

Twelve days later than last year. More evidence of GLOBAL WARMING!!!

Speaking of plant life, I ordered 24 Miller High Life and the plant working the cash said they had only 12 in the store so I could pay the 12 price and come back tomorrow and pay the 12 price again.

Put that boy on bottle returns.

2008-07-08T07:57:00.000-07:00

The hail damage on my car works out to $6078.

Brings new meaning to the term pennies from heaven.

2008-07-02T09:43:00.000-07:00

Well another Canada Day comes and goes and no Order of Canada for Andy Looney.

You know what Groucho would say.

2008-06-30T10:10:00.000-07:00

Why I love shopping at Sam's Club.

Yesterday my wife bought the equivalent of a 45 gallon drum of hand soap at Sam's so today I decided to return it and get some in a more wieldy size.

"Business Members" (for which read inconvenience store operators) are able to shop as early as 7:00 but the great unwashed are barred from entry until 9:30.

You must show your card upon entry, even though they won't sell you anything without a card (to keep the winos from coming in and making the free samples their main source of nourishment, I expect).

If you want to return something or if the cashier makes a mistake, count on lining up for half an hour.

On the way out you are strip searched (of course I like that part). As if I would pick Sam's if I were going to pull off a major heist.

Tomorrow (especially for Canada Day).....Why I like shopping at Canadian We Are All Out Of Sale Items Tire.

2008-06-19T18:34:00.000-07:00

So Dion's Carbon Tax is going to be plus GST.

But since the GST is something we don't want, it will be plus Carbon Tax (plus GST plus Carbon Tax plus GST plus Carbon Tax plus .................

This guy not only looks like an idiot, he is an idiot.

2008-06-18T19:24:00.000-07:00

I received a natural gas renewal agreement in the mail from Direct Energy which said I could buy gas for 5 years at 39.9 cents per cubic metre. So I went to my trusty internet (and thank you for inventing it, Big Al) and learned that NEW customers could get 5 years at 36.9 cents by signing up on the internet but that OLD customers should just sign and send in the agreement they got in the mail.

So I phoned to ask why. She didn't tell me. She just said I could sign up with her right then at 36.4 cents.

Good thing I didn't send the renewal agreement back in the mail.

2008-06-13T09:06:00.000-07:00

You hear of these kids getting mugged for their electronic toys.

I guess I'm lucky I didn't get mugged for my white bucks when I was in grade ten.

2008-06-11T07:10:00.000-07:00

So Paul Bernardo says he made "mistakes" a long time ago but he's not making them now.

OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT, ASSHOLE. YOU'RE LOCKED UP!

Paul looks like he's received better treatment during his incarceration than John McCain received during his.

2008-06-10T12:15:00.000-07:00

Reading over my last several postings (not a popular pastime obviously) reminds me of a number of ways I would not like to die . . . . .

Being poisoned by a tomato at Tim Horton's (I do not mean one of the cuter employees),
Eating or drinking anything at Tim Horton's,
Being eaten by one of the bears running loose here in the Megalopolis of Deadwood,
Being hit by Deadwood's sidewalk-rolling machine,
Being hit by a car on my way to the super mailbox,
Being hit by lightning on my way to the super mailbox,
Freezing to death while listening to Big Al Galore talk about Global Warming,
Suffering massive heat stroke on Mars,
Overexposure to Hillary,
Overexposure to Suzuki,
Being poisoned by a tomato at Doc's Lunchcounter (I do not mean Mrs. Boogaloo),
Being eaten by a large reptile at Doc's Lunchcounter,
Being eaten by a Polar bear,
Being taxed to death by Dion (I do not mean Celine).

As the song goes . . . . . just let me go-o, naturally.

2008-06-09T18:45:00.000-07:00

Restaurants are knocking each other down to be next to remove tomatoes from their menus.

I imagine they will reduce their prices to reflect the savings they realize by doing this.

2008-05-28T11:54:00.000-07:00

NEWSFLASH ! ! ! ! !

At this moment a bear is on the loose here in the Great City of Deadwood.

This is the most excitement we've had since a man was hit by the machine that rolls up the sidewalks at night.

2008-05-28T11:33:00.000-07:00

Super mailboxes are useful only because they allow you to re-mail unwanted junk.

Today I remailed two (count 'em) copies of Danny (the guy who saved us from high gas prices) McTeague's latest newsletter (and I'm not even in his riding. I'm next door in Smirk Hotpants' riding).

2008-05-27T18:23:00.000-07:00

Well we got our first weather report from Mars today.

Low of minus 80, high of minus 30.

Save us from Mars warming, Big Al.

2008-05-25T07:04:00.000-07:00

Hillary and the Bobby Kennedy nonsense.

Do they really need an idiot like her running the country?

2008-05-22T18:19:00.000-07:00

There's a commercial in which a little girl says "Dr. Suzuki" and he answers "Please, David".

I heard of a fellow who came up to him and said "Hello, David" and he answered "It's Dr. Suzuki" and walked away.

Physician, heal thyself.

2008-05-16T12:46:00.000-07:00

GREAT NEWS ! ! ! ! !

The Lunch Counter has re-opened.

Eat up folks. The Gaviscon is on me.

2008-05-15T18:51:00.000-07:00

I hope Dion's carbon tax saves the polar bears.

Otherwise who's going to eat me?

2008-05-14T18:16:00.000-07:00

Best line I've heard from Dennis Miller since the one about John Kerry returning to his job as an Easter Island statue . . . . .

John Edwards is a vehicle for a haircut to get around town.

2008-05-12T19:03:00.000-07:00

So GM is closing that plant in Windsor because 4-speed automatic transmissions are becoming outdated.

I remember when I picked up my new 1965 Pontiac with a 2-speed Powerglide and I couldn't believe I no longer had to shift gears at every light.

It even had two lap belts.

2008-05-12T12:24:00.000-07:00

Is there any greater bore than Garth Turncoat, at one time bowing and scraping to Stephen Harper and now claiming him to be the devil incarnate while touting Stephane Dion as the greatest thing since sliced bread (or even since unsliced bread)?

2008-05-09T12:05:00.000-07:00

After the latest kerfuffle at Tim's, I hope you're all counting your Timbits carefully and launching lawsuits against managers whose employees short-Tim you.

I drive thru at Tim's every morning (for my wife.....I don't have the Timmonkey on my back) and those girls are working their juicy parts off for the measly $9.05 an hour.

My wife always asks if I want anything and I tell her I want a lot of things but none of them come from Tim's.

2008-05-04T11:49:00.000-07:00

Old Doc Boogaloo has packed it in and the world is a sadder place.

He was fun while he lasted.

2008-04-21T08:18:00.000-07:00

I have written two things this morning and they've both become lost in the ether.

To hell with it.

2008-04-12T11:20:00.000-07:00

I've been driving for 48 years and I had never had a windshield injury until last year. This year I've had two and it's only April.

Small comfort that that's an average of only one every 16 years.

I knew I should never got involved with those horseless carriages in the first place.

2008-03-25T16:16:00.000-07:00

Today an old fellow about 60 was kneeling on my basement floor servicing my furnace.

I don't know who is going to service it once he retires. The 20 year olds aren't out there learning how to fix heating equipment. They're constantly phoning me trying to sell me credit card protection, vinyl windows and lawn care (I think my lawn is still there somewhere). I guess I'll just have to freeze to death.

WAIT A MINUTE!!!!! Big Al tells me I won't need a furnace any more. GLOBAL WARMING.

2008-03-22T07:59:00.000-07:00

You know it must be pretty fragrant down at the Toronto Star with all those piles of shit like Joey Slinger and Thomas Walkom sitting around.

Today Walkom takes his cheap shots at several U.S. Presidents including Herbert Hoover (wow, no one's ever done that before!).

For your information, Walkom, Hoover was no more to blame for the economic conditions of 1929 to 1933 than was anyone else.

And for your further information, since you you seem to know very little, Hoover was arguably the finest human being to ever occupy the office.

Ever read anything, Walkom, or do you just go around shooting your face off?

2008-03-21T10:02:00.000-07:00

Ah, Good Friday.

Nothing to do.

Nothing to remember.

EXCEPT . . . . . . . .

"GIMME SOME OF DAT DERE FISH, YOUUUUUUUU!"

2008-03-12T18:00:00.000-07:00

Three months ago it was dark at 5:00 p.m. Now it's light at 7:00 p.m.

GLOBAL LIGHTENING !

SAVE US.....BIG AL GALORE.....SAVE US !

2008-03-11T17:43:00.000-07:00

In my mailbox today was a flyer from Stephen Harper asking whether I preferred the 5% GST or the 7% GST.

I had just arrived home from buying a new car on which I paid $384 less at 5% GST than I would have at 7% GST.

I asked him to guess which one I prefer

2008-03-06T06:05:00.000-08:00

Joey Slinger is lucky there are people like Conrad Black to pick on twice a week in his nasty little column in the Toronto Star and should be glad that there is a newspaper of such low standards as to employ him.

If you could go to prison for being a mean little shit, Joey would be serving life plus 99 years.

2008-02-29T07:35:00.000-08:00

It appears that the Princess is back in business.

It also appears I have not been invited to the party.

As a matter of fact I DO feel sorry for myself.

2008-02-28T16:11:00.000-08:00

Did you ever notice that when someone phones you on your Bell phone you can hear him just fine?

But when someone phones you trying to sell you a Rogers phone you can barely hear him.

Him in this case means him or her. It's called English.

2008-02-20T07:51:00.000-08:00

The price of gas went up five cents today.

The most painful part of this is watching Dan McTeague (aka the man who saved us from high gas prices) being interviewed with a constipated expression on his face.

Or maybe it's just gas.

2008-02-14T17:25:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day.

The kids in my class used to buy those books of Valentines.

And I would get several of the ones for the teacher.

So I would tell them that when I was a kid and bought a book of Valentines the first thing I would do was to throw out the ones to the teacher.

The babies knew I was just kidding.

2008-02-08T19:56:00.000-08:00

I always thought David Suzuki had a few nuts and bolts loose going back to when he said the World would be better off without people, but now he wants to jail politicians "who ignore the science behind climate change".

Good thing he wasn't around when Galileo ignored the science behind the geocentric universe or Galileo would have found himself imprisoned.

Oh.....he did.

2008-02-06T06:54:00.000-08:00

I think either McCain or Obama would make a fine President. Americans need the Clintons in the White House like they need the Clantons in the White House with Curly Bill (the other one) as VP.

2008-02-02T16:41:00.000-08:00

The wife and kids went out to shovel the snow today.

We got a lot of it here in the City of Deadwood.

They piled it up higher than the top of my head.

And I'm what, three.....four feet tall?

2008-01-29T06:41:00.000-08:00

It was nice to see the article in the Toronto Star this morning that the 60th anniversay of Barbara Ann Scott's skating victory is this year and that she is still in good shape at 79.

I remember that every little girl had to have a Barbara Ann Scott doll in 1948. My sister had one and also one of those dolls where you could turn the head inside the bonnet to make her smile, cry, or sleep. She also had a wetums doll whose arse started to peel after several wettings. I had toy cars with compressed cardboard wheels that puffed up and separated if you left them outside in the moisture. How did we live with such hardship? No wonder we're such cranky old buggers now.

2008-01-25T12:56:00.000-08:00

I couldn't let Rabbie Burns day go by without telling the one about the young Scot who came to America in the early 1900's because he heard the streets were paved with gold. He had just stepped off the boat when he spied a $20 gold piece. Up ahead was a blind man. Dropping the $20 gold piece into the man's tin cup, he said: "Poor bugger can't see them".

2008-01-23T17:29:00.000-08:00

You know, Billy, until I read your last comment I was feeling sorry for old Dief being childless.

My youngest turned 21 today and I hope my good luck continues.

Unlike the guy who was walking down the street very down in the mouth and his friend asked why so glum, chum?

And the guy said two weeks ago I won $1oo,ooo in the Lottario. And last week I won $1,000,000 in the 6/49.

So why so sad?

This week..........nothing.

2008-01-10T16:37:00.000-08:00

Here's a special treat for my pal Omar.....

Well kids, tomorrow is Sir John A. Day.

Birthday of Canada's second greatest Prime Minister.

Right next to Brian Mulroney.

2008-01-09T10:01:00.000-08:00

How times change. Part two.

I was sitting in the drugstore this morning waiting for my prescription and facing a rack full of Nicoderm and Nicogum and Nicoban and Nicosnuff and remembering how this stuff was by prescription only back in the '80's when a good-looking blond woman came walking along carrying a box labelled TROJAN from the shelf where they are proudly displayed.

When I used to have need of these devices back in the '60's one had to put a paper bag over his head and whisper his order to the pharmacist.

2008-01-08T18:13:00.000-08:00

How times change.

All these young dames showing off their "bumps".

When my wife got herself knocked up in the Summer of 1970, she had to quit her teaching job (in shame) at Christmas.

Not take maternity leave.....QUIT.

No wonder I'm such a cranky old arse.

2008-01-06T09:14:00.000-08:00

The Youth Criminal Justice Act meets Facebook.

What would Mr.Bumble say?

2008-01-04T18:05:00.000-08:00

I'm getting slow in my old age but I finally figured out how Doc solved the Service Canada question so readily.

He got one too.

2008-01-03T15:52:00.000-08:00

Today the Welshman's two big strong lads helped me down to my super mailbox in an adjacent time zone and guess what I found? Hint.....it was from Service Canada.

The usual prizes.....
First....Dinner for two at the LunchCounter
Second.....Dinner for four
Third.....Dinner for six

2007-12-22T09:45:00.000-08:00

Well kiddies, as every Sun Worshipper knows, today the Sun begins its six month return to us.

The Sun came up upon the left
Out of the sea came he!
And he shone bright, and on the right
Went down into the sea

Higher and higher every day
Till over the mast at noon.....

I'll be glad when the Sun is over my mast at noon.

2007-12-20T08:23:00.000-08:00

Today in the Star there's a picture of the mansion this arsehole bought with the five million dollar lottery ticket he stole from the rightful winners. Nothing wrong with that as Jerry would say.

But in the picture there's a mailman trudging up the huge circular driveway of this castle which looks like it was built much fewer than 21 years ago.

I haven't had mail delivered to my poor little hovel since it was built in 1986. Good thing I have a pet mountain goat to get me over the snowbanks surrounding my super mailbox.

2007-12-17T18:57:00.000-08:00

I just received holiday greetings from Garth Turncoat.

He's a little late. I've been on holiday for ten years.

Do you suppose he meant Christmas?

2007-12-11T17:13:00.000-08:00

I went to the barber today.

You wouldn't believe how many guys are asking for Billy-Bob Pickton haircuts.

2007-12-06T10:03:00.000-08:00

I am posting this today because tomorrow I will be busy with the BIG PARTY.

Tomorrow is my father's 103rd birthday.

The old guy is not too excited, having died at 58.

2007-12-04T07:50:00.000-08:00

I don't know how the ice at the North Pole could be melting.

It certainly isn't melting here in Deadwood.

But Big Al knows best.

2007-12-01T09:21:00.000-08:00

Omar.....

Thank you for mentioning me in your Complete Profile (which is totally complete).

My fifteen minutes of fame, as that other Andy would say.

2007-11-21T10:30:00.000-08:00

I am away from my beloved computer tomorrow so I'm posting this today.

Tomorrow is the 44th anniversary of the assassination of President Kennedy and all the old geezers who still have a few of their marbles remaining will remember where they were and what they were doing when they heard the news. It was a week before my 20th birthday and I was teaching grade six.

I guess the kids I was teaching are old geezers themselves by now.

2007-11-15T07:45:00.000-08:00

And now, as Omar would say, the endless droning of Andy Looney.

Yesterday I drove to Warden Subway and the $2 lot was full up to its eyeballs so I parked waaaaay at the back and walked for ten or fifteen minutes and when I finally got to the front of said lot there were ten cripple spots with a total of one car.

How does a cripple park there and walk across the bridge and down the 41 steps (or UP the 41 steps on the way back) and under St. Clair Avenue and up to the station and up the two flights of stairs to the fare box?

My tongue was hanging down to my belly button and I'm only borderline crippled.

2007-11-12T13:01:00.000-08:00

So they take a kid who has bombed out of high school and put a real ugly shirt on him and suddenly he's Mr. Goodwrench.

As Woody said: "I didn't roll off the turnip truck yesterday . . . . . . . That was years ago."

2007-11-10T12:51:00.000-08:00

Oldspeak.....We're trying to sell you something.

Newspeak.....This is a courtesy call.

Is Alexander Graham Rogers rolling over in his grave or what?

2007-11-08T17:33:00.000-08:00

Well Eric Lindros has retired.

"I truly enjoyed my days of playing and look forward to the next chapter of my life."

Beating up women half my size in bars.

2007-11-08T06:44:00.000-08:00

What's the next best thing to having your child killed by a couple of street-racing idiots?

Of course you know. It's having the Toronto Star print, on its front page, a close-up of you grieving at the funeral.

2007-10-31T10:32:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you are in the midst of being served at a store counter and the phone rings and the person serving you answers the phone and suddenly it's like you're not there?

Best answer wins dinner for four at Doctor Boogaloos Lunch Counter followed by a dip in the pool with Doc's handsome son, Boethius.

2007-10-25T17:49:00.000-07:00

Toronto's biggest budget item is Police Services. Can you imagine how low taxes would be if there weren't all those little criminal arseholes running around out there?

That does it. I'm moving to another planet. Krypton maybe.

Oh sorry, I forgot.

2007-10-18T08:38:00.000-07:00

I'm getting a little old and forgetful so could I depend on you good folks to remind me of something?

When my wife becomes Governor-General please remind me to get a haircut before we go off to the Senate Chamber for the Speech from the Throne.

I appreciate it.

2007-10-16T18:21:00.000-07:00

Garth Turncoat is becoming quite the little sack of hatred when it comes to Stephen Harper.

Hard to believe he once licked Harper's hand as fervently as he now licks Dion's.

"Let me die in this old uniform in which I fought my battles. May God forgive me for ever having put on another."
Benedict Arnold

2007-10-15T12:29:00.000-07:00

Garth Turncoat is asking whether there should be a Federal Election.

As I said on his weblog.....

I say lets have an election. It wouldn't cost each taxpayer any more than going to some crappy movie or sports event and would provide a month's entertainment instead of just a few hours.

2007-10-14T11:54:00.000-07:00

From today's Toronto Star Crossword.....

Why did the patient refuse novocain for his root canal?

The correct answer wins dinner for four at Doc's Bistro.

2007-10-12T09:05:00.000-07:00

Things are getting better and better.

Yesterday.....Four more years of Dalton.

Today.....Al Galore wins Nobel Peace Prize.

Tomorrow.....?????

I can hardly breathe.

2007-10-11T18:01:00.000-07:00

Have you seen the Bank of Montreal commercial in which a woman uses her debit card in a coffee shop causing destruction rivalling that of the San Francisco earthquake?

Are the billions of dollars worth of business I give this bank allowing it to hire the most moronic advertising agency in the country?

Or am I just a cranky old arse?

Or both?

2007-10-10T09:50:00.000-07:00

I've had a few calls from the campaign offices today asking if I need a ride to the polls.

I tell them it's okay, I can walk over. I have two cars but I also have two children. Do the Math.

2007-10-08T13:14:00.000-07:00

Well the Looney Clan's Thanksgiving went wonderfully.

Finest haggis I've had since I came down from the Isle of Skye.

We were all surprised when Uncle Angus suffered a minor stroke while participating in the caber toss. We thought he would hurt himself much more severely than that. I was happy to take second place with 3 yards at 11:00. Morag took first, of course with 45 yards at a perfect 12:00. She also won the hammer throw and even bagged a hunter in the woods behind where the outhouses were until recently.

The good Doctor was the perfect host he always is and Boethius Boogaloo very kindly looked after the children and even returned most of them.

2007-10-03T13:22:00.000-07:00

Only six days until Rosie's book comes out.

Time to start camping out in front of the book store.

2007-10-03T12:50:00.000-07:00

Am I the only person in the world who is constantly harrassed by pests on the phone and at the door and on my travels around the community?

Just today for example:

A woman parked outside the Beer Store asking for donations to "Amber Alert" to help find lost children,

A guy phones from "Crimestoppers" and tells me not to worry, I'm not in trouble. I tell him I know I'm not and hang up,

A guy comes to the door trying to get me to buy natural gas for five years from some company I've never heard of.

And it's only 4:05.

2007-10-02T18:03:00.000-07:00

I was at the hospital getting an infusion today.

When it came time to remove my I.V. the nurse asked whether she should rip the tape from my arm or whether I would like to do it myself.

So I answered: "Did they make Lady Jane Grey cut her own head off?"

2007-10-02T13:19:00.001-07:00

It's just one excitement after another.

Now Hon. Garth Turncoat has invited me, Dishon. Andy Looney, to a cocktail party to meet Hon. Ralph Goodale.

Tickets are $50 but you get a $37.50 tax credit so it costs you only $12.50.

I'd gladly pay $12.50 to never have to look at those two arseholes again.

2007-09-29T13:08:00.000-07:00

Well this is nice!!!!!!

I sent Omar $10,000 for the Keep Keith's In Business Fund and he sent me a tax receipt for $62,000 which gave me a tax credit of $21,700.

Now the taxman wants me to pay $35,000 in unpaid taxes, interest and penalties.

And Doc Boogaloo is looking for a donation to the Feed The Hungry Crocodiles Fund.

That's going to cost me an arm and a leg.

2007-09-28T08:18:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that when you don't shave for a couple of days many people feel perfectly justified in commenting on the fact?

But when you don't shave for twenty years, nobody says anything about it.

I sometimes wonder why I left that distant planet and came to Earth with powers and abilities..... well, you know the rest.

2007-09-24T17:12:00.000-07:00

Remember the Ontario commercials used to say " Ontario. There's no place like home." ?

Now they say "Ontario. There's no place like this."

I wonder who thought that one up.

Probably some genius making $385,000 a year.

2007-09-23T10:45:00.000-07:00

Funny how things come flooding back to your old mind.

My wife and I were in Bloblaws today and I recalled that twenty-odd years ago you weren't allowed to buy groceries on Sunday in the Great Province of Ontariariario. General-type stores like Payless had the grocery aisles roped off and white sheets covering the shelves. You could buy a carton of cigarettes but not a bottle of prune juice for your constipated baby.

Thank you, Premier Davis. I imagine you need the prune juice yourself by now.

2007-09-21T08:58:00.000-07:00

I see Gordie Howe, a pretty fair hockey player in his day, has had to get a restraining order barring a neighbour from taking 17,000 photos of his house each day. The guy doesn't like Gordie being an Amway distributor.

Which finish would you like on your photos, sir?

C'mon, Gordie. To hell with restraining orders. Give the guy an elbow to the jaw.

2007-09-21T08:53:00.000-07:00

Well, folks, election fever is running high on my street. On the 118 houses there is exactly one sign, the one on my lawn.

You know the old saying.....Vote early and vote often.

2007-09-12T05:55:00.000-07:00

The Referendum should be worded as follows:

Do you want to continue having 107 arseholes at Queen's Park or would you rather have 129 arseholes at Queen's Park?

2007-09-09T12:27:00.000-07:00

See.

2007-09-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

I guess the woman with the brain tumor who would have died had she not had it treated at the Mayo Clinic for a kazillion dollars will still be expected to pay her $900 Ontario Health Care Levy again next year.